“..gentleman..”

Life has gone easier,no less busy but it’s easier now.It’s been awhile since i last wrote,but i guess some writers do encounter writer’s block and hence they take a hiatus from writing.A sort of holiday for the brain or even our tired little fingers.Even though,it’s been a challenge,ever since i got engaged,be it at work or be it regarding my personal life.

Recently, I had a small tiff at work regarding some issues.Be it as a paramedic or be it as a normal person, when i know i’m right,i should stand up for it and if i know i made a mistake somewhere,i would own it up too.That’s a gentleman way of doing stuffs.So apprarently, somehow and some way, i got involved in this type of situation. Personally, nobody would love it if their name were used in spite by others,to get away from a responsibilities or run away from trouble.It’s a breach of trust.So,apparently my name was used by this particular ns boy to get away from duty.Like a normal human being,who wouldn’t be shock.

But,i have enough back up and witnesses to prove that i was innocent.That came to my thinking, should i have charge that guy for slandering?I could have charged him straight to detention barrack,it’s not only because he deserve it,but because i can.

I don’t think i can be a judge or even practice law.3 years in this medical line, i have grown sympathy to the “less fortunate”.I feel sorry if i have to sent them to the gallows.I am not that bad,but i am not that good either.So,i decided that,the best person to handle the punishment would be my OIC.Hence,yeah,i did.I told her,i’m not angry and to tell him that hopefully he learn his lesson.

So,a few days later,someone directed me to the office board and there was a letter directed to me.How suprising,an apology letter.But,somehow,i read it,it got me pissed off even more.What ever he wrote,was like a cut and paste copy of what you can google it for.Read and i crumpled it.

Be a man,stand up to your mistakes and apologize like a man.So,by putting it on the board,do you want to tell the whole world that you’re supppperrrr sorrryyy??.Please,i don’t need a letter, i don’t need a wrath and i sure don’t need somebody to tell me that someone wrote an apology letter to me.If you’re a man,come up to me and just say “i’m sorry”.

I’m a rather forgiving person.

“..the accidental love..”

If equal affection cannot be,let the more loving be me.

i love you.

-shafiee

“..and a year has past..”

It has been raining cats and dogs today.Those sort of days,that you wished that you can cuddle in bed all day long.The cold breeze,the raindrops on the windows,a hot cup of coffee,some soothing jazz to sum it up.It’s very rare to be able to enjoy the comfort of your own sofa and a book to rest and keep your mind away from anything.

February have been evil for me.Things happened,sometimes which it’s not even my fault to start of with,misunderstandings occuring in between colleagues and my family members.even to my love one.It’s all good at the end of the day,i don’t bear any grudges.And,i take every step at a time.

The last week of February,i managed to get some alone time.Just me,my trusty D60 and my mp3 player.I wandered around aimlessly,don’t really matter where i go,which bus i took.I end up at a place somewhere in east coast,overlooking the sea.As i sat,i close my eyes and started to do some breathing exercise,relaxing my already tired mind.But,me being me,i rarely have a time to relax as i will think alot.

And think,i did.

Soon,i will be starting a new life.A new path in life.New challanges.Questions linger in my head.

Am i ready?

Is this it?The end of my “wild” days.This not so peachy life of mine,have come to the end of a crossroad,where by,i choose,to be or not to be.Am i ready to lead this life,a new goal,a new challenge,a new person?The sort where now,it’s the real thing.

Am i ready to be somebody’s husband?

Will i make my beau happy?

Will i make her family and my family proud?

Will i be a good father?

All this questions linger in my head,hoping to get an answer as soon as possible.It’s very difficult to get a direct answer,when you analyze what you’ve been through,the stigma you’re facing,the rumours,the thought of just being close to marriage life.No more of any self-destructing nonsense.Gone are the days where i can date anyone i like.No more of impulse shopping days,where by money is the most concern of it all.

Am i ready.

I close my eyes.

yes i am ready.

As of 1st march 2009,i will be heading to a new life ahead.Bring on the challenges.

Bring it on.

“..some me time..”

After every day duty,at approximately 9pm,once i handed over to the night crew,i would make myself to the admin room as i know it will be empty.Just me and the computers.And that’s the best part of the day,as i sit alone,doing my DMGXs,listening to Power 98 on the radio,i would somehow feel very much relax.

A long day at work,with the hustle and bustle of city life,carrying patients down to the lift  landing,comforting ever-panicky relatives,we need a breather.Some would hit the clubs,some would just sleep.As for me,i would like things to be done in a slower pace.I would take my time to just log on to the computer, make my way to my seat,walk extremely slow.When things are always fast pace,we need to slow down and smell the roses.

and now,i’m having my leave and it would be the best time to get some well deserved rest.

oh yeah.

A week more to go..

“..our opinions count too..”

There’s a reason why we confide in our more experienced people in life,especially with someone who’s old enough and have seen the world often.It’s the confidence that they gave us when we asked for their opinion about certain issues.It’s natural for us to feel better or at ease when we confide in them.

However,being an elder doesn’t mean,you’re right.We’re humans after all and we’re never get away from making mistakes.And certain advices,are not necessarily need to be correct too.It’s the difference in opinion may somehow hurt or even can cause a major backlash.

I had a tiff with on of my senior colleagues at work today.It’s pretty sad that,i  respect this person like a father,but somehow,it’s worst when he somehow embarrrassed me infront of a group of people whom i called my friends and even my seniors.I do not appreciate the fact that,it was aim directly to me.which was somehow personal.I don’t mean to be rude,but,i take a lot of effort in what i’m doing and to be ridiculed infront of plenty,it’s not a very nice feeling.

I left that particular area and continued to do my CA drill.Head about to burst and i’m fuming inside that gas mask.Not because of the heat,but the amount of anger i’m bottling up.

I was raised in an environment whereby my parents tought me,never be rude to your elders.And i just did that,no matter,what they say,to me,words are just like bullets.It’s painful,but somehow,i can’t bear myself to go against my principles in life,to retaliate.especially to a senior.I am that.After that “lashing”,everybody saw my face changed and it somehow,the opinions he gave,were very hurtful,coming from him,i’m used to it,i know what type of person he is.But for today,i felt i was ridiculed.really really bad.It’s not the joking type but it was really lashed.

So,i felt shitty.Left the place and i just continue with work.Trying hard to forget about it.

He came up to me,after i’m done.

I had to tell him how i felt.So i did.

I told him that,it was not nice of him to belittle me infront of everybody.I told him,i respect him as a person,as a colleague and a fatherly figure.But,that doesn’t mean that he can do what he did.It’s totally uncalled for.If he does have an opinion,keep it to himself and tell me later personally.To accept it or not,it’s purely mine to play with.I have enough stress at work,personal life and i’m surely don’t need this.I told him,i am not like a typical dude who would go against their elders and retaliate back.And i gave him the reason,you do not like to be embarrassed infront of the others and i would want to be known as a person who’s disrespecting the elders.Even if i’m quiet,that doesn’t mean,i agree or i’m okay with it.I can choose not to talk to him for my stint there or i can choose to forget about the matter.

So,i told him every single thing i felt and i guess,he was quite apologetic too.I don’t really care anymore actually,because,you can’t teach an old dog new tricks and it’s his nature to tell people off immediately if he doesn’t like it.I choose to forget about the little misunderstanding.

I said sorry and we hugged.

What i just want to imply to him was,that,even though we’re young,give us a chance to have a say in what we want to do in life.Let us make mistakes,let us fall.cause that’s where we learn.I’m sure,the older folks were like us too when they were younger.

I am still in talking terms with him.

But,once bitten,twice shy.

“..the morning after..”

I’m in love,

with the world,

through the eyes,

of a girl.

She’s still around,the morning after.

She broke up a while ago.

Left her hurt.

And didn’t know what to do.

She came around,the morning after.

So,it’s been.

A year at least.

To find the one.

Who couldn’t be missed.

She’s been around,the morning after.

-shafiee

“..thoughtless..”

“..Why are you trying to make fun of me?
You think it’s funny?
What the fuck you think it’s doing to me?
You take your turn lashing out at me
I want you crying with your dirty ass in front of me

All of my hate cannot be found
I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming
So you can try to tear me down
Beat me to the ground
I will see you screaming..”

-Thoughtless

“..get back to your roots..”

Maybe it’s just me that i don’t really fancy my future wife to be a tai-tai.or in another words, a wife who doesn’t work and just have the husband working,supporting the family.Even though,secretly,they do wish they can be a housewife and take care of the kids.I wouldn’t mind that,provided i’m earning like 10k a month.Then perhaps i might think of not working.

I was reading a friend’s multiply.It’s seem that she doesn’t like to live in singapore anymore and she wishes to live somewhere outside of singapore with her husband.I’ve no objections to it,but when i did met up with her and our friends,she was bragging about how good life outside singapore was.And that Singapore isn’t a place that she would want to stay long.I’m not envious at all.I was just nodding.Not in agreement,just nodding.She is lucky,to get a husband,who’s rich and goes around outstation to other parts of the world.

But,when you kept saying Singapore is not good,i just wanted to say,

“eh.shut up lah.”

You’re just there for a holiday and you’re already saying that the particular country you go is great.Think about it.You’re a tourist.Of course they treat you nicely.They bring you to nice places.They bring you to places with nice scenaries.Nothing we can find back in Singapore,ever.

Your lifestyle of branded goods and traveling,all are from your husband paycheck.Some people here actually have to work for it.think about it.Money earn is money well spent.

You’re not even a citizen.Some of the citizen there wishes to go out from their own country.You know no shit about the country.The rules,the regulations,even the safety.

You are lucky to have such a life.But,please,don’t underestimate us singaporeans and our country.Because,you are also bornt a singaporean,no matter what happen,you’re a singaporean.Like it or love it.You are a singaporean.

Remember your roots and where you came from.Don’t be high and mighty.because,this is just testing times.

“..of all seriousness..”

Yesterday, i came back from work,went to help my parents settle some stuffs and when i reached home,i fell flat on my bed,without even taking a bath and i slept with my outside clothes.I fell asleep and woke up just in time to go to work.again.

i’m burning out.

I’ve never felt this burnt out before and i guess,when there’s too many calls,it gets to you.sometimes.i felt it was quite a chore for us,paramedics,when the day is busy.who ever say,being a paramedic is an easy job.Screw the cool factor.It’s nothing cool facing life and death every single day and everytime there’s an ambulance call,somebody is in destress.

Today,i asked one of my paramedic friends to cover me early as i do have some stuffs going on later in the night to handle.I rarely asked people to cover me early,unless,i really have something going on.I do exchange duty here and there,and thankfully,my colleagues are generous and very flexible.kudos to them.but,i do not make it a habit for me.

I had my ambulance audit today.previously,my first two audits were not up to the expectation.And i was even threatened to be send for probation and the last audit was in sept.Thankfully,today,i didn’t screw it up.because i know,firstly,i have to relax.I always have the tendency to be tachycardic whenever i’m facing a test.It’s normal.People will tend to get nervous when facing a challenge.Secondly, i have ample experience for me to be at my best.advices from colleagues are helpful.Lastly,i’m doing it for my patient,not for myself.i want my patient to have the best treatment from me and ensure their safety and comfort in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.no matter what race or gender.Every patient is equally as important to me.

I am worried for my mentee.Now i know how i feel as a mentor.It’s different when you have a mentee.You need to ensure that they get enough experience before they go for their final test.I always believe,being a mentor,you have to be strict when needed and be flexible when you have too.I don’t denied that i don’t mind giving a piece of my mind to my mentee.Because,it’s nothing personal,it’s just about work.I want her to be serious in her work and ensure pure dedication to every patient she handle.I don’t care what she does outside but as long as she gives 100% for the patient,i’m happy.I know she will pass,i have the confidence in her.But at the same time,i am worried just in case anything bad happens.

It’s been a long day and i need to rest.

love.

“..i always..”

And i’m as scared as anybody who has done this

I wouldn’t give it up for nothing free.

You took my life, turned it around.

And put my feet back on the ground.

I owe you,eternally.

– For A’idah